The Top Ten Signs You've Got a Bad Broker

• 10. Has a serious disclaimer on his bottom.

• 9. Desk is littered with travel brochures.

• 8. He drinks decaf.

• 7. Keeps asking, "Do you want fries with that?"

• 6. Consults Digital Orrery before giving investment advice.

• 5. Fresh, minty taste.

• 4. Calls NASDAQ to ask about Step Reebok.

• 3. When asked about bonds, he reddens and replies, "I'm not that kind of broker."

• 2. He has a saggy diaper that leaks.

  And the number one sign you've got a bad stockbroker...

• Proudly displays UCSB diploma.