The Top Ten Things Joe Learned in New York

• 10. Nobody in The City has seen "Clerks".

• 9. 16-year-old girls are not allowed in the New York Public Library.

• 8. It's easier to find Poughkeepsie Day School graduates in the Village than a cheap lunch on the Upper West Side.

• 7. Dolphins are descended from hoofed mammals.

• 6. I'm a Buffalo Wing infidel.

• 5. Hearing the X-Files theme off the Web at a Cyber Cafe on St.Mark's Place is even more surreal the second time.

• 4. After four years, everyone forgets your good lines and you can use them again.

• 3. There are people even more obnoxious than Mr. Squishy.

• 2. There are two blood vessels running over the top of each clavicle which get really sore when you hang heavy weights on them.

  And the number one thing Joe learned in New York...

• Stand clear of the closing doors.