The Top Ten Things Not to Say at Your Advancement Talk

• 10. "Well, I wouldn't expect you to understand this."
• 9. "...so the empirical evidence is almost as unequivocal as that for cold fusion."
• 8. "Interesting point, but I don't think that's at all relevant."
• 7. "What, and Quantum Cosmology is real?"
• 6. "It is not I who am crazy--it is I who am mad!"
• 5. "Yeah? Well, screw you!"
• 4. "I hope none of you have to be anywhere for the next 4 or 5 hours."
• 3. "sin θ=bright; sin θ=dark."
• 2. "Once I sacrifice some more undergrads to Bacchus I should have some ideas on how to finish this calculation."

  And the number one thing not to say at your advancement talk...

• "Okay, twenty bucks each and a case of scotch, but that's my final offer."